Post Potter Depression
by ninja-curry-girl
Summary: All of Camp Half-Blood and Olympus seems to be suffering from a dangerous disorder. How did Percy not know about this?
1. Chapter Uno

CHAPTER ONE: _What in the name of Zeus' beard is a muggle?_

Percy didn't understand it. They'd just gone out for a movie, and now both Annabeth and Rachel were in tears.

"Um," Percy started, "What's wrong?"

Percy took a step back as Annabeth turned to face him. She was staring daggers with her bloodshot eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice quivering, "What's WRONG?"

"Oh, absolutely nothing is wrong!" Rachel spit, "It's not like it's the end of the world or anything!"

"But," Percy said, "It isn't."

"ISN'T IT?" Annabeth yelled. Percy now wondered why he had bothered to open his mouth in the first place. He was even more confused than he was before.

"Come on," Rachel said, tugging at Annabeth's sleeve, "We should go see Chiron."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Annabeth and Rachel weren't normally this friendly with each other. Unless …

"Wait, was there a prophecy?" Percy asked. He started to get concerned. "Is there something I need to know about?"

Both girls ignored him and kept walking towards the Big House. Percy followed.

"Guys, you're scaring me," Percy said, "What's going on?"

Silence again. They reached the door.

"So you're just gonna let me eavesdrop?" Percy said, trying to lighten the mood.

They walked in. "Chiron?" Rachel asked.

"I guess they are," Percy muttered to himself.

Chiron was slouched at the table, looking bereaved and grief-stricken. When he heard the three campers walk in, he sat up a little.

"You too?" he sighed. He slumped back in his wheelchair. "I'm sorry, I cannot help you this time."

"Chiron, it's too much," Annabeth said wearily, "I don't think some of the campers can survive much longer."

"It's just been there all these years," Rachel said, "Even for me. And suddenly, poof! It's gone."

"There's nothing left."

"Obliviated."

Annabeth looked at Rachel and burst into tears. Percy wasn't even sure that 'obliviated' was a word, but it didn't matter. Whatever was happening seemed to be having a serious effect on all of Annabeth, Rachel _and_ Chiron. If only he knew what it was.

"Is there some kind of sickness spreading through camp?" Percy asked, "Some sort of disease?"

Everyone remained silent.

"How could I not have known about this?"

Again, no one answered. Chiron slumped even more into his wheelchair.

"Seriously people," Percy raised his voice, "What the hades is going on here?"

"Oh, shut up!" Annabeth screamed. Everyone else in the room flinched. "Shut UP! How would you know anything about it, you filthy muggle!"

What in the name of Zeus' beard was a muggle?

"What in the name of Zeus' beard is a muggle?" Percy asked.

Rachel's jaw dropped and Chiron got out of his wheelchair and stared.

"You mean," he said slowly, "You don't know?"

Percy shook his head. "Is it a monster? Or a swear word I've never heard about?"

Annabeth stormed out of the room. Percy watched as she left, befuddled as to what could possibly make her so angry. He hadn't seen her this mad since the last Titan war.

Chiron brought out seven books. Some were small, and others were ridiculously thick. Percy looked at the book resting on top of the stack. His dyslexia wouldn't let him read the title or the author, but on the cover was a picture of a boy in front of a train. As Chiron spread the books out, Percy recognised one of the books: it had a picture of a wizard on it.

"The security guard of the Empire State Building was reading that book," Percy remembered, "That was on my first trip to Olympus."

"Of course he was," Chiron nodded, "He always had a good taste in books. Except for that vampire series he used to be obsessed with …"

"Erk," Rachel gagged.

"Are they any good?" Percy asked.

"Terrible," Rachel screwed her nose up in distaste, "Sparkling vampires? Honestly?"

"I do not remember the _empousai_ ever sparkling," Chiron admitted.

"No, no!" Percy said, "These books." He gestured to the ones spread out in front of him.

There was a moment of silence as Rachel's jaw dropped and Chiron sat back in his wheelchair with a thump.

"Is it any good, he asks," Rachel finally said.

Chiron hid his face in his hands. "Percy, are you trying to tell me that you have never heard of the Harry Potter series before?"

"Harry who?" Percy asked.

"Harry who." Rachel slapped her forehead with her palm.

"Harry Potter," Chiron said, with as much patience as he could muster.

Percy thought for a while. "Nope," he said, finally.

"Nope." Rachel raised her hands in exasperation.

"That's enough, Rachel," Chiron said. He crossed his fingers and rested his chin on his hands. "Perseus Jackson," Chiron said, "I did not realise how … ignorant you are."

"Ignorant?" Rachel cried, "He's been living under a rock!"

"Rachel, I said that's enough."

"Guys," Percy interrupted, "I don't see what the problem is. I mean, it's just a book, right?"

"Just a book?" Rachel yelled, "Just a BOOK?"

Percy took a step back. Rachel was really starting to sound like Annabeth, and that was not a good sign.

"Rachel," Chiron said quietly, "Perhaps you should organise a ride home. Relax a little. Calm down."

"Calm down," Rachel took a deep breath.

"Take a rest."

"Rest."

"Shed a few tears on your pillow."

"I wish I had a pillow right now."

"You could borrow my panda pillow pet if you like," Percy butt in, "As seen on TV."

The look Rachel gave him was so fierce that Percy had to take another step back. It was almost as if she was going to go all creepy green-eyed Oracle on him.

"Or not," Percy muttered quietly.

"Percy, in the nicest possible way, shut up," Chiron said. He turned to Rachel. "Use the phone. Call a cab."

Rachel nodded and glared at Percy one last time before walking out the door. Percy was starting to get seriously freaked out here. Rachel had just yelled at him and Chiron had told him to shut up. Things were supposed to be _normal_ after the war.

Chiron buried his head in his hands. He stayed like that for a while. Percy didn't know what to say, so he remained silent. He didn't trust his mouth to say the right thing anyway. Everything he said today seemed to cause one outburst or another.

"I think I'll just go," Percy said, backing slowly out of the room.

"Wait," Chiron said. He stood up and gathered his seven books, putting them back where they came from. Percy stood awkwardly and waited for something to happen.

Chiron cocked his head and looked at Percy for a long time. Finally, he spoke: "Your timetable needs rescheduling."

"What?" Percy wondered what that had to do with anything.

"I think your sword-fighting is good enough," Chiron mused, "And all your water activities need to be replaced as well."

"Why?" Percy cried. He loved his lessons in the lake.

Chiron furrowed his brow. "Alright, I suppose you can keep canoeing. But your free-time needs to be omitted."

"You can't do that!"

"You'll also have to be excused from roster duty, I suppose."

"Wait a minute," Percy scratched his head, "What's the point of all this?"

Chiron stared at Percy for an entire minute. "You have a new class now, Percy. Harry Potter 101."


	2. Chapter Due

CHAPTER TWO: _Is this what childbirth feels like?_

Olympus was mostly silent. The Muses plucked half-heartedly at their lyres and harps. The streets were bare, except for the sulking immortals sitting on doorsteps and in front of fountains and statues. Some had tears in their eyes. There was no laughter, and not a single word was uttered.

One sound that could be heard very clearly were the sobs of one very distressed goddess. Hecate was crouched at the edge of the hearth of the throne room, weeping her eyes dry. Wrapped around her were the arms of Hestia, patting her back and whispering comforting words in her ear, not believing a single one of them.

"It's alright, Hecate," Hestia shushed, "Everything's going to be okay."

"D-did he have to die?" Hecate cried, "Was it really necessary?"

"Yes it was," Hestia lied, "You know it had to happen. You know it did."

"What was the p-point?"

"I don't know, Hecate. I don't know."

Hecate sobbed harder. "All at once. They came all at once."

"It's fine," Hestia rubbed Hecate's back harder.

"It's not fine at all," Hecate whispered. She pulled away. "Nothing is fine!" she yelled.

"Hecate –"

"NOTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND EVERYTHING HURTS!"

"Silence!" There was a flash of lightning as Zeus appeared in the throne room. "I expect complete silence while I mope!"

"I WILL NOT REMAIN SILENT!"

"Hecate –" Hestia said again.

"NO! NO ONE CAN MAKE ME SHUT UP! I WILL SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!" Hecate began to scream.

"I SAID I EXPECT COMPLETE SILENCE, _VLACAS_!" Zeus boomed, his voice louder than even Hecate's. The ground shook beneath them, and lightning flashed dangerously. Both Hecate and Hestia retreated to a small corner of the room.

"That's better," Zeus said, much quieter now. And with a flash of lightning, he disappeared. Hecate crawled back to the hearth and began to weep once more. Hestia had but no choice than to go and comfort her again.

Artemis had wrapped herself around a man. And for once, this man wasn't Apollo.

"Is this what childbirth feels like?" she cried out to Hades, who was in no mood to try and squirm his way out of her bear hug. For someone with the form of a twelve year old, she was very strong.

"I think so," Hades mused, "But you should talk to Eileithyia for confirmation."

Artemis cried out again. "It's done! All done!"

"Over," Hades said sadly, "Finished. Gone."

"Never again!"

"Never again."

"You're not helping me!" Artemis cried louder.

Hades managed to wriggle an arm out of her grasp and pat her awkwardly on the back. He wished Persephone were here. She was better at this emotional poppycock. Besides, he had problems of his own to sort out. Hermes had come in the other day and dumped an entire sack of letters at his feet, all complaints about the large number of deaths of certain fictional characters. He tried to convince the messenger god to forward them on to the Fates, but Hermes refused, muttering something about ungrateful sods and no glory in delivering messages and killing off all his favourite characters. Hades didn't know Hermes even used the word 'sod'.

And now Artemis just wouldn't let go of him. Strange behaviour for someone who had sworn off men for all eternity.

"I refuse to believe it's the end," she sobbed.

"Neither do I," Hades mumbled.

Artemis pulled away and grasped Hades' shoulders. "We must see it again."

"What?"

"One more time."

Hades blinked. "You want to see Harry Potter … with me?"

Artemis nodded.

"Me and … you?"

"Yes."

Hades scratched his head. "Can I ask someone to come along? I'm pretty sure Melinoe or Thanatos would …"

"No!" Artemis shook Hades fiercely, "Just the two of us! I need you!"

"Um," Hades squirmed, "Alright, I suppose."

"You and me! Alone together!"

"Okay?"

"And you are going to bring all those dead characters back out from the Underworld, you hear me?"

Hades leaped backwards, out of Artemis' grasp. "Hold on," he said slowly, "These are fictional characters we're talking about."

"I will never forgive you if you don't!"

"Artemis, be reasonable."

"TONKS WAS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL!"

"I thought you were more into wolves and jackalopes."

"Tonks!" she sobbed, "My poor Tonks …"

Hades sighed. Tonks was one of his favourites too. If only she was a little less colourful …

"It's all Remus' fault!" Artemis growled.

"Really? I blame Voldemort."

"Men! It's always men! Men ruin everything!"

"Excuse me?"

"If it weren't for men, none of this would have happened!"

"Actually, I recall the book's author being female."

"And only a female could have created such a phenomenon!"

"I think not –"

"GIRL POWER!" Artemis hollered out, and commenced running and shrieking like a wild rabid gorilla.

Hades was terrified.

Poseidon bit into a piece of ambrosia. His palace was soundless. His wife lay on the bed next to him, staring blankly at the surface above them. His son (the legitimate one) was probably out stabbing his trident into things. The Cyclopes were in mourning, led by his general Tyson, and Delphin and his kind were nowhere to be found.

"Amphitrite dear?" Poseidon said. He tapped his wife lightly on the shoulder. "Ambrosia?"

Amphitrite didn't respond. She continued to stare into empty space.

"Eat something," Poseidon pleaded.

"I'm not hungry, my lord," Amphitrite murmured.

"How long is this going to continue?"

"As long as it takes."

Poseidon sighed and took another bite. The ambrosia was brittle and tasteless. Everything he had eaten that day seemed brittle and tasteless. It was as if the food was in depression as well. He forced the brisket down his throat. That was the last piece of ambrosia he'd be having for a while.

Amphitrite sat up. "When does the DVD come out?" she asked, her usually melodious voice monotonous and dull.

"I don't know," Poseidon replied, for he really didn't know.

"Can't we tell these mortals to hurry it up?" Amphitrite huffed, "Get Apollo to whisper in their ears or somewhat."

"Apollo?"

"Or whoever the god of DVDs is."

"I'm not sure we have a god of DVDs."

"We don't?"

Poseidon shook his head.

Amphitrite huffed again and flopped down on her back.

"We could go see it again," Poseidon said, after a minute's silence.

Amphitrite sat up very straight indeed.

"You'll have to lose the fish tail again," Poseidon muttered, "We'll need to go on land. For three whole hours."

Amphitrite winced. She wasn't used to walking and using legs like human beings. She was much more comfortable swimming. Walking on land made her feel clumsy and exposed. "It's worth it," she said finally.

Poseidon smiled and rubbed her back. "You'll be fine," he told her.

"I should hope so, my lord," she said, rubbing her tail.

Poseidon looked at the plate of ambrosia sitting on the table beside him. He lifted it over to his wife. "Now will you eat?"

Amphitrite stared at the plate. "Oh, very well," she said, popping a piece of ambrosia into her mouth, "I'm starving."

Poseidon looked at the plate himself. Perhaps he would be having some more of that ambrosia after all.


	3. Chapter Trois

CHAPTER THREE: _She's probably watching Harry Potter again._

"You, Perseus Jackson, son of Poseidon, are a muggle."

The Stoll twins had somehow gotten everyone to clear out of Cabin 11 (it was _still_ crowded, even after all the undetermined campers had been claimed) and set it up army-style. The bunks were pushed to the corners and the usual trademark child-of-Hermes mess was nowhere to be seen. There was a large table in the middle of the room, carrying only a projector and a map of some place called "Hogwarts". Percy was seated on the only seat, staring at a his own face spread out three feet across the large empty white wall in front of him.

Lou Ellen something-or-other of the Hecate cabin tapped the wall with a large wooden pointy stick. The picture changed to one of a chimpanzee. "This chimpanzee is a muggle," Lou Ellen said.

"You never used a stick to perform magic before," Percy noted.

"Oh, shut up," she huffed, "It's just for show."

Connor Stoll cleared his throat. Lou Ellen blinked and tapped the wall with the stick again. The picture changed to one of Lou Ellen herself, her arms slung around the shoulders of both Connor and Miranda Gardiner. Miranda lacked a nose.

"I," she said, pointing to the Lou Ellen in the picture with her stick, "Am not a muggle. And neither are Connor and Miranda."

"Why?" Percy asked.

"Because we have these," Travis Stoll said, placing a pile of books on the table in front of Percy. Percy noticed that they were the same books Chiron had shown him earlier that day. Those Harry Potter books.

"So if I've read these books then I'm not a muggle?"

Travis, Connor and Lou Ellen exchanged a glance. "Not exactly," Connor said slowly.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, according to the book's definition," Travis said, "A muggle is a non-magical person. So Lou Ellen isn't a muggle, but the rest of us technically are."

"But?"

"But it's what's in our hearts that counts," Lou Ellen said, "In our hearts, we are not muggles. But you are."

"Is that supposed to be a bad thing?"

The Stolls snickered and Lou Ellen took a deep breath. "Yes, Percy," she said, "That is a very bad thing."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just shut up, will you?" she shouted, "You're starting to sound like them!" She pointed at the twins.

"Sorry," Percy muttered. He didn't exactly want to be here. He should have been at archery training, which wasn't any better, but at least it didn't give you migraines. Percy thought he was confused when he saw Annabeth and Rachel crying. Those headaches had nothing on these.

"Alright," Lou Ellen said, "So now you know what a muggle is. Right?" she added hopefully.

"Right. Non-magical or uncool person. Got it."

"Good," she looked relieved. "Now there's the muggle world," she tapped the wall to show a picture of a nice-looking suburban house, "And there's the wizarding world," she tapped the wall again to show a vast grey castle, probably from somewhere in Europe.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Percy said, "Hold up. So there are two worlds now? Like, dimensions?"

"Er," Lou Ellen hesitated.

"Shut up, Percy," Connor interrupted.

Lou Ellen shot Connor a thankful look. "The wizarding world," she continued, "Is the place you want to be at."

"The muggle world is the place you at now," Travis added.

"Why you talkin' nigga, Travie?" Connor punched his brother on the shoulder.

"I ain't talking nigga," Travis replied, "What you talkin' 'bout, C-dawg?"

A loud thunk was heard, and Percy looked away from the Stolls' argument to see Lou Ellen kneeling on the ground, banging her head on the table.

"Shut," she said slowly, "Your damn MOUTH!"

Connor and Travis shut their damn mouths.

Lou Ellen headed towards the door. "I'm sick and tired of teaching mudbloods," she said, "If you want help, Percy, kindly launch your claim to the Department of Muggle Protection."

And with that, she was out the door. And Percy felt like banging his head on the desk himself.

Percy wandered out to the common area, leaving Connor and Travis in Cabin 11 by themselves, talkin' nigga. Some Apollo campers were playing volleyball, but their hearts weren't in it. All around him, people seemed to be going on with their daily activities – but none of them seemed to be concentrating. They all had the same glum expression on their face. Could it really be all because of some book?

A sudden thunder of footsteps interrupted his thoughts. Percy whipped around to see a hoard of adolescent girls, all dressed in silver parkas and equipped with bows and arrows. At the head of the group stood a girl of about 15, a silver tiara sitting atop her short, choppy, dyed-black hair.

"Thalia?" Percy blurted out. She was the last person he expected to see.

"Hey, Percy," she said with a small smile. She looked like she'd had no sleep in days.

"What are you doing here?" he walked up to her.

Thalia sighed. "Artemis has disappeared. Again."

"Again?" Percy heard the sound of hooves behind him. Chiron came trotting up beside him.

"Then you are welcome to use Cabin Eight, as always." Chiron smiled at Thalia, "Welcome back."

Thalia nodded and signalled for the Hunters to move to the cabin. "I need to talk to you, Chiron," she said.

Chiron sighed. "I believe I know where Artemis is."

"You do?" Percy asked. This was so much easier than the last time.

"Why didn't you tell us before?" Thalia asked.

"Why, I thought it would be obvious," Chiron said matter-of-factly, "She's probably watching Harry Potter again."

Percy nearly walked over to the closest tree and hit his head against it. Harry Potter again? And the gods were into it too? What kind of evil was this?

Thalia seemed to understand perfectly. "Oh," she said, "That explains _everything_." She ran her fingers through her hair. "She took us to see the midnight screening with her in London," she explained, "She was never the same again."

This time Percy really did go and hit his head against the nearest tree. There wasn't going to be any escape from this _Harry Potter_ any time soon.


	4. Chapter Vier

CHAPTER FOUR: _My knickers are not made of wool!_

Ares was in tears. Yes, Ares, the big, burly god of war and wrath, was crying like a baby. And why was he crying?

"That war just HAD to end!" he whimpered to himself. There was no one around to see him, thank goodness. Imagine what his father would say. And he didn't even want to think about the cameras Hephaestus might have put up around the place.

It was one of the greatest battles he had seen in years. The rage, the aggression, the self-sacrifice … it was beautiful. Yes, that was the only word to describe it. A beautiful battle, so perfectly orchestrated that it almost made Ares feel inferior. Almost.

If only the whole thing was real.

Ares wished these stupid mortals didn't have such a good imagination. This J. K. Rowling seemed to be the queen of this sort of thing. And to create a climax like that … Ares didn't doubt it. It reminded him of the Romans. The civilisation excelled in battle strategy like no other before it, and its standards were higher even than the West that came after it.

He wished she worked under him. With her help, he would mastermind terrible wars and bring brilliant battles to motion; and he'd order her to make sure the wars never ended. Ares snapped his fingers and stood upright, blinking his tears away. Bloody brilliant! These books were bloody brilliant! Not only did they give him more sophisticated vocabulary, but they also made him come up with this marvellous idea. Kidnap J. K. and make her heel at his mercy and serve him eternally in his quest for world un-peace. It's the best plan ever! What could go wrong?

What could go wrong? Ares sat back down. What indeed. Everything could go wrong. For a plan like this he needed authorisation from big daddy Zeus himself, and there was no way he was going to agree to such a plan. Especially since J. K. was completely mortal and didn't show any signs of being able to see through the mist. Ares began to cry even harder.

All of a sudden, the door to Ares' room burst open. In walked Hephaestus with a solemn expression on his face. Ares got up with a start.

"What do you want, ugly?" Ares growled unconvincingly. He tried glaring at his girlfriend's husband, but it only brought more tears to his eyes.

Hephaestus was silent. He merely walked to a corner of the room and began to set up a ladder. He took out some wire-cutters, and with a few snips here and there, out popped a miniature camera hidden even from godly eyes. Hephaestus snapped his fingers, and the camera burst into flames. Soon, it was nothing but a pile of ash.

"What the –" Ares started, but Hephaestus quickly interrupted him.

"I was going to use the footage against you," he said quietly, "But when you started talking about the war, I just …" He sat down, "I didn't have the heart." A single tear ran down the fire god's cheek.

Ares wasn't sure what to do. He slowly edged closer to his brother and awkwardly put his arms around him.

"Oh, Hephaestus," Ares said softly.

Hephaestus looked at Ares and blinked. "You remind me of Voldemort," he mewled.

Ares stared at Hephaestus. He stared at Hephaestus for a very long time. He got up and locked the door and walked back to Hephaestus.

They both resumed crying like synchronised babies.

_Now that it's over, _

_Olympus is very dull, _

_I am really sad._

Apollo trembled as he wrote these words in a small black notebook. The trembling was partly because he was writing with a quill, an instrument he hadn't used in centuries, and partly because he was, in fact, really sad. His favourite phenomenon in the last fifty years had come to an end, and Apollo wanted to cry.

"Delivery!" a female voice chimed behind him. Whoever it was sounded suspiciously like Luna Lovegood. Apollo swivelled around to see Iris looking down at him, a long brown packet in her hands. She handed it to him.

"Hermes is depressed, so apparently I have to take over," she chattered, "Which is completely unfair. It's not like I'm not depressed. I like Harry Potter too!" Iris looked down at Apollo's notebook. "What are you doing?"

"Uh," Apollo lifted up his notebook, "I was just writing these haikus."

"Haikus?" Iris gulped, "Again?"

"Would you like to hear some?"

"Oh, I really must be going –"

"Okay!" Apollo' face brightened up a little. He stood up straight and cleared his throat.

_Harry Potter died,_

_Voldemort gave awkward hugs,_

_It was so awesome._

"That's great, now I should be leaving –"

"Another one? Awesome!"

_Hogwarts is so hot,_

_Like my chariot on fire,_

_I want to live there._

"That's great," Iris gave him a concerned smile.

"Really? Want to hear another one?"

"I –"

_Memories are strange,_

_They look like silver water,_

_Makes me think of sis._

"Sis?"

"Artemis. My lil' sister."

"Isn't she older than you?"

"No," Apollo pouted.

Iris cringed at his duck-face. "Right," she said, "Well, I'm off."

"One more!"

"What?"

"Please?" Apollo jumped up and down in the air, "Please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top?"

Iris sighed. She knew better than to mess with the god of poetry when he was acting like a three-year-old. "Alright," she said, "One more."

"YAY!" Apollo squealed gleefully.

_I'll go to Hogwarts,_

_The Sorting Hat will love me,_

_Go Hufflepuff._

There was a long silence. "That last line has four syllables."

"Does it?" Apollo frowned. "Alright, how about 'Go Gryffindor'?

"Still four syllables."

"Ravenclaw? Slytherin?"

"Are you unable to count?"

Apollo sat down with a huff. "Why do they all have to be three syllables? Why, why, why?"

Iris blinked. "Bye," she said, and with that she vanished into thin air.

Apollo began to repeatedly bang his head on his table. Stupid three syllable house names.

The sound of knitting needles clashing lightly against each other rang through the room. It was an elegant room the size of a basketball court. Instead of walls there were shelves, filled with books that ranged from "War Strategy for Dummies" to "Grey's Anatomy". The bed in the middle of the room was covered in a simple silver owl pattern.

Athena sat on an armchair in a corner, knitting to her hearts content. Click, click, clickety-click went the needles, as Athena moved them in and out in a complicated pattern. She was making scarves. She used only four colour combinations: dark red and gold, dark green and silver, cadmium yellow and black and imperial blue and light grey. She'd been making these scarves for three days straight, staying in her room and talking to no one unless she needed to. So far, she had only talked to Iris and Hermes when they were delivering messages, Artemis when she tried to drag her to watch a movie, and she yelled at Ares once when he made fun of her knitting. (He called her "the old retirement home goddess". No scarf for Ares.)

There was a knock on the door. Then another. Athena refused to answer. After a while, the door swung open, and in walked a frazzled Demeter. Her face looked tired and dull, and the wheat woven into her hair was dead and rotten.

"What are you doing?" Demeter asked.

Athena kept knitting. She didn't believe her current activities needed any explanation.

Demeter moved closer to Athena. "Knitting?" No answer. "Since when were you interested in knitting?"

Athena glared up at Demeter. "Excuse me!" she said, dropping everything she held in her hands on her lap, "I _invented_ knitting. Just like I invented the loom and the art of weaving. How dare you forget my acheivements!"

"Well, little miss Smarty-pants," Demeter retorted, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even have any thread to weave with. Where do you think cotton comes from?"

Athena stood up. The needles fell to the ground with a soft clang. "What did you just call me?"

"Little miss Smarty-pants."

"My pants are not smart!"

"Well, I'm sorry," Demeter scoffed, "I assumed they would be, considering you are the goddess of wisdom. Or are you relinquishing that title now? Just the goddess of knitting?"

"What?"

"You heard what I said, little miss Woolen-knickers."

"My knickers are not made of wool!"

"Oh yes, I remember now. They're made of satin, are they not? Little owls all over them?"

Athena's jaw dropped. She could not believe what she was hearing. Demeter was exchanging banter with her … and winning? As her children would say, she was "getting owned".

"No Hufflepuff scarf for you," she said through gritted teeth.

Demeter blinked. Her hair turned grey. Her composure was soon regained, however, and she commenced to walk away. "Farewell, little miss Woolen-knickers."

"WAIT TILL MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS!" Athena roared, before slamming the door shut after her infuriating aunt. She went back to her armchair and sighed. That was one Gryffindor and a Hufflepuff scarf too many. Maybe Ares and Demeter will get them after all.


	5. Chapter Vijf

CHAPTER FIVE: _He used to be a professional ballet dancer. _

Percy had had enough. Why is it that everyone in the world had read those damned books except him?

"How can you not have read them?" Thalia was breathing down his neck, "How is it possible that you have never read them?"

It wasn't long after Thalia arrived at camp and solved the mystery of Artemis' disappearance that she learned of Percy's lack of knowledge in a certain area. She was so furious, she called all the cabin leaders to an immediate council meeting. On any ordinary council meeting, most of the counsellors wouldn't be listening. Jake Mason would be fiddling with some new device, and Travis would be trying to tickle Clovis awake with a feather. Will Solace would be absent-mindedly plucking the strings on his ukulele, while Drew would be too busy re-applying her make-up to contribute to anything. But today, everyone was dead silent. Percy swore he could hear a pin drop if he tried.

"How could you have read them?" Percy asked, "How in the Underworld did _you_ get the time to read?"

"I read them while I was on the run," Thalia growled, "Luke had the whole set."

"Luke read them too?"

"Luke," Annabeth stood up, "Luke was the best of all of us. He loved those books more than anyone else on this planet."

"And look where that got him," Percy muttered. He immediately regretted saying it. He knew it was a terrible thing to say, but he had blurted it out before he could stop himself.

Everyone's jaw dropped. "You," Annabeth said, gritting her teeth, "You foul, loathsome, evil little COCKROACH!"

Percy slumped in his chair. This was the type of treatment he got from his own girlfriend.

There was a long silence before Miranda Gardiner spoke up. "Where have you been?"

"What?" Percy asked.

"Where have you been?" Miranda repeated, "This is the twenty first century. I don't like that you haven't read the books or watched the movies, but there are a lot of people out there who haven't. But tell me, Percy Jackson, how in Hades could you not have even _heard_ of it? Even Nico's heard of it, and he's been living in a time-travelling hotel for the past seventy years!"

On another side of the ping pong table, Nico shrugged. "It's true. I've read the whole series twice over."

"See?"

Percy shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I don't know?" he asked hesitantly, not really knowing what to say.

"Your argument is invalid," Butch grunted. Butch never spoke, always grunted. He was probably the most macho man Percy had ever met. He put even some of the Ares campers to shame. Ironically, his mother was the goddess of rainbows and ponies. And he just so happened to be a talented ballerina. Go figure.

"Five points to Gryffindor," Travis coughed.

"You are sooo out of it, Percy," Drew rolled her eyes, "I can't believe I thought you were hot."

"You what?" Annabeth clenched her fists.

"Hey, it was a long time ago. And you weren't even going out. So chill."

"You thought I was hot?" Percy blinked.

"You thought Percy was hot," Clarisse snickered.

"Yeah, okay," Drew flicked her hair, "Big deal. We have better things to do."

"She's right," Thalia said, glaring at Percy. All Percy wanted to do was hide in a corner where no one could find him. Thalia's look was so scary, Percy felt a hole burning through his skull.

Will Solace stood up. "I think we should give Percy a chance," he said, "He's never going to learn if we keep accusing him and never give him the chance to try."

"That's why I assigned him to Harry Potter 101," Chiron said, quietly listening in to the whole conversation, "I assume that's going well?"

"Lou Ellen gave up," Travis blurted. Lou Ellen shrugged.

"I tried, folks," she resigned, "I really did."

"No you didn't," Travis said, "You just walked out."

"I walked out when you and that brother of yours started pretending you were from Harlem."

"Girl, what you talkin' bout? Yo boyfriend started it."

"He is _not_ my boyfriend –"

"Girl, you fibbin',"

Lou Ellen's palm flew to her face while some of the other counsellors snickered quietly. "The point is," she said, taking a deep breath, "Percy is too much of a muggle for me to do anything."

"Great," Clarisse huffed, "The camp hero is a muggle. Just our luck."

Everyone else shook their head, as if being a 'muggle' was a complete disgrace. Percy remained indifferent to all of this. He just sat and watched. This can't end that badly, can it?

Annabeth stood up and crossed her arms. "That's it, Percy," she said angrily, "We're over."

Everyone gathered around the ping pong table, including Thalia, gasped. Drew's mascara brush clattered to the ground, the sound ringing in Percy's ears.

Apparently he thought wrong.

"Are you dumping me?" Percy whispered quietly.

"Yes, Perseus Jackson," Annabeth put her hands on her hips, "I am dumping you. And until you lose your muggle ways, I am not taking you back."

"But –"

"No buts," Annabeth said, "My word is final."

Chiron cleared his throat. "I hate to intervene in your, ah, relationship issues," he said, scratching his beard, "But is this really the way to deal with this whole situation, Annabeth?"

Annabeth looked at Chiron with her head held high. Percy thought it only made her look more beautiful, which made him feel even worse. "It's the only way to get him to do something," she said. And with that, she strode out the door.

Percy could feel everyone's eyes move towards him. He had a headache. This whole day had been one large conundrum.

"I had a dream," Clovis yawned from the corner. He stretched his arms out and looked around. "Why is everyone so quiet?"

"Annabeth and Percy just broke up," Drew blinked, "I don't understand. My mother would approve of the two of you."

"Er, yes, very interesting," Clovis stretched some more, "But as I was saying, I had a dream. I dreamt about our problem."

Everyone sat up straight in their seats. If it was relevant to the 'problem', they were listening.

"The problem is not that Percy isn't trying to understand," Clovis said slowly, "But that he _can't_ understand."

"So," Thalia tilted her head, "What you're trying to say is …"

"What I'm trying to say is that Percy is trying not to be a muggle, but he is too dim-witted to succeed."

"Hey!" Percy said, "I'm not dim-witted!"

"Then what do we have to do?" Clarisse asked, ignoring Percy, "We can't have our champion be a muggle. It's embarrassing!"

"I agree," Nico contributed, "Even Mister Pricklebottom would be ashamed to talk to him." He blushed as everyone stared at him. "He's, uh, this ghost friend of mine." He tugged at his collar.

"Pricklebottom?" Thalia asked.

"He used to be a professional ballet dancer."

"Ballet dancer?" Butch's ears perked up.

"Moving on," Clovis said, "We need help. He," he gestured to Percy, "Needs help. Godly help."

"You mean," Will Solace said, "The gods need to step in?"

"Yes," Chiron scratched his beard, "Yes, of course! Why did I not think of this before? Godly intervention!"

"You're welcome," Clovis muttered.

"Thank you, Clovis," Chiron said, "Your, ah, talents, have done us well."

"For once," Travis coughed.

But Clovis wasn't listening. Percy noticed that he was asleep again.

"Alright," Chiron said, "We're going to take this matter to Zeus. Thalia, take Percy to Olympus. Lou Ellen, you go along with them."

"Why Lou Ellen?" Drew asked.

"Yeah, why me?" Lou Ellen agreed.

"Because," Chiron replied patiently, "Your mother is the goddess of magic."

It took Percy a whole minute to figure it out. Lou Ellen made a small noise: "Oh."

"Alright, Seaweed Brain," Thalia said, getting up, "Let's go."

Percy knew he was going to regret getting out of his seat when he did.


	6. Chapter šest

CHAPTER SIX: _Wait till I tell my brother about this!_

Zeus sat in the throne room of Olympus, stroking his beard. He rested his chin on his fist and stared into the distance with a brooding look in his eyes. This, he believed, made him look like one of those Hollywood stars in one of their movies. George Clooney with a beard, he liked to think himself to be.

There were only two others with him. Hermes was sulking in his throne, muttering about death and how he can never love anyone else because bad things happen to the people he loves. Aphrodite, goddess of the very thing Hermes was annoyed with, was chattering away in her usual manner.

"And Luna and Neville!" she gushed, "I _loved_ the addition of the romance between Luna and Neville! It was one of the disappointing parts of the book. I always thought –"

"Excuse me?" Zeus interrupted her, "You can read?"

Aphrodite looked hurt. "Why, of _course_ I can read!" she exclaimed, "What am I, some dumb bimbo?"

Zeus didn't know how to answer that. Hermes coughed.

"Anyway," Aphrodite flicked her hair, "So when Neville said he was crazy about Luna, I nearly squealed in delight. Do you _know_ how much I wanted this couple to get together? They compliment each other _so_ nicely!"

"I agree," Zeus stroked his beard and gazed off into the distance some more, "They are perfect for each other. But," he lifted a finger, "I still think Ron and Hermione were the main delight of the whole movie."

"Well, of _course_, they were!" Aphrodite said as she brought out a mirror and began to groom herself, "Ron and Hermione were the _best_! I mean, they had six years of sexual tension building up between those two. You'd _think_ they would have gotten with each other sooner, you know?"

"Hmph," Hermes muttered, "At least they didn't die. If they died I would –" (The rest of this dialogue has been censored to reduce reader trauma.)

"Oh, _Hermes_!" Aphrodite gasped, "Mind your language!"

"No!" he yelled, "You mind your own language! I'm nearly three thousand and five hundred years old! I can take care of myself, thank you, you –" (Once again, the rest of this dialogue has been censored.)

Aphrodite began to weep. She wept so hard that almighty Zeus himself had to get up and comfort her.

"Now look what you've done!" Zeus scolded, "You made me get out of my seat! You and your stupid philophobic tendencies! Go cut yourself in a corner, why don't you?"

"Fine," Hermes sniffed. To anyone another than Zeus, it would have been comical to see an athletic middle-aged man in a post-man's uniform sniffing. But Zeus was too busy grumbling about getting off his butt to enjoy the little things in immortality.

Just then, the doors of Olympus burst open, and in walked Zeus' daughter Thalia, and Lou Ellen, daughter of Hecate. Between the two of them was Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon and hero of the last Titan War. Zeus sat up straight, with his chin held high (another pose he found dramatic). Aphrodite quickly stopped weeping.

"Lord Zeus," Lou Ellen bowed, and Percy did with her. Thalia merely nodded.

"Hello, dear," Zeus said, "Greetings, demigods. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"We have a problem," Thalia said, "A major problem."

"So much that our whole reputation is at stake," Lou Ellen added.

"And we needed to consult you."

"What?" Zeus grew worried, "What happened? Did someone die?" He leaned forward. "Did you find demigods wearing purple T-shirts?" he whispered.

"No … what? Why purple?"

"Never mind," Zeus corrected himself quickly, "Carry on."

"O-okay?" Thalia hesitated. She shook her head. "Whatever. We have a bigger issue at hand."

"Terrible," Lou Ellen put in.

"Unthinkable."

"Oh, hurry up!" Zeus stomped his foot, "I am not getting any younger, you know?"

Thalia took a deep breath. "Well …"

"Percy Jackson doesn't know what Harry Potter is!" Lou Ellen blurted, and then quickly shut her mouth.

Aphrodite gasped. Hermes sat up, listening attentively. It was so silent, you could hear crickets chirping outside – outside the ground floor of the Empire State Building, six hundred storeys below.

After ten whole minutes, Zeus began to guffaw. "Ohohohohohohohoho!" he laughed. He laughed so hard, his sides began to hurt. "Ohohohohohohoho, my back! Goodness me, my back! I can't … ohohohohohohohoho!" From the corner of his eye, he could see Lou Ellen whisper something to his daughter. They both looked confused, but that didn't matter. He was too busy chortling. "Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon … a muggle! Ohohohoho, wait till I tell my brother about this!"

"Uh, dad?" Thalia looked around nervously, "You know that this is a _problem_, right?"

Zeus' laughter was soon converted into a coughing fit. "Ah, why yes, of course. This is, ah, very, very bad! We should see to this straight away. But … ohohohohohohohohohohoho!" Zeus threw his back out once more. "This is brilliant! Absolutely brilliant, ohohohohohoho! I must tell everyone … oh, Hermes, would you tell Poseidon I've summoned him to the throne room? , this is too good! Ohohohohohoho!"

"He's already on his way, father," Hermes said. Zeus managed to make out Hermes jabbing his thumb furiously onto his caduceus cell phone in between his laughter. The sour look was wiped out his face, and he was alive again. "I taped the whole conversation with my video phone. Everyone's seen it."

"You sent it to everyone?"

Hermes took a bow, "Ultimate pranker god, at your service."

"Ohohohohohohohohohoho!" Zeus chuckled even harder, "You, my son, are a genius! Ohohohohoho!"

Sure enough, immortals started to flood through the doors. Everyone was here, not just the major gods but the obscure ones too. Everyone from the house of Hades stormed in, including Hades himself. Aeolus was followed by the four winds, and the East and Hudson river gods had even joined forces to come here. The only god not present was Poseidon.

"Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho!" Zeus was still laughing his beard off.

"Jackson!" Ares snorted, "A muggle? HA! Why am I not surprised?"

"Tsk tsk," Hera tutted, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"My half-brother is a muggle," Triton shook his head, "I can't believe it. I'm related to a muggle."

"We're all related, you numb-nut," Aeolus rolled his eyes.

"How could you?" Demeter whacked Percy on the head with miniature bale of hay, "You are a traitor to your camp!"

"HE WAS THEIR FRIEND," Hecate yelled angrily, "AND HE BETRAYED THEM!"

"Men!" Artemis shouted, "Men are the biggest muggles of them all!"

"What did you say?" Hephaestus balled his fists.

"I shall put you to rest," Hypnos glared at Percy.

"I shall haunt your dreams," Morpheus added.

"I will kill you in your sleep!" Thanatos grabbed Percy by the collar.

"Out of the way!" Athena shoved Thanatos aside, "Perseus Jackson, I cannot believe my daughter has chosen _you_ as her boyfriend!"

Percy cleared his throat. "She broke up with me."

Athena crossed her arms and put on a smug grin. "That's my girl."

"Wait," Zeus stopped laughing for a minute. He looked at Percy, then at Thalia, and back at Percy again. He pointed at Thalia. "She'd better not be your new …"

"She wouldn't!" Artemis gasped. "She's my lieutenant!"

"Dad, no!" Thalia looked alarmed, "Sworn off men, remember?"

"Then … what about this other demigod girl?"

Lou Ellen looked around. "Hold on, you're talking about me?"

"Don't you DARE touch him, dear!" Hecate barked.

"I wasn't going to, Mom."

"Stick with that Hermes boy! He's a pureblood!"

"Mom!"

Hermes put a comforting hand on Lou Ellen's shoulder. "Always use protection," he said.

"WHAT?"

"People?" Thalia asked in a small voice, "Problem?"

"Oh, yes," Hermes cleared his throat, "Percy Jackson, I am very ashamed of you. It is an embarrassment to have a muggle in the family. Do you not have feelings? How can you just sit there and not care while all the people I love are dead and they will never come back and you're just sitting there like a –" (Is an explanation even needed any more?)

"Hermes!" Persephone slapped his shoulder, "Not it front of the kids!" She turned to Percy. "Do you have hay fever?"

"Uh, no," Percy blinked.

"WELL, YOU DO NOW!" she roared.

"Persephone, dear, don't scare the demigods." Hades squeezed his wife's hand.

"Okay, my little deep-fried dumpling," she fluttered her eyelashes.

Hades smiled, and then glared at Percy. "And as for you!" He spit on the ground.

"Ew," Iris said. She looked at Percy. "For you, I'm raising the price of Iris messages from one drachma to twenty."

"What?" Percy complained, "That's so unfair!"

"Well then, stop being a muggle!"

"Iris, Iris, Iris," Zephyrus said. Then he grabbed Percy by the collar and looked him straight in the eyes. "I will make the wind howl so loud that you can't sleep," he hissed.

"Pedro Johansen," Dionysus muttered absently to no one in particular, "Sounds like a muggle name to me."

"This situation calls for a haiku," Apollo cleared his throat, "Percy is a d–"

"EVERYBODY STOP!" Poseidon roared. The entire room fell silent. Poseidon was standing at the entrance, the look of a rabid shark on his face. He began to stride forward, and all the gods and goddesses parted to leave him a clear path to his son. Even Zeus himself was too scared to laugh.

Poseidon walked right up to Percy, until he was no more than half a foot away. He took a deep breath. "PERSEUS JACKSON!" he bellowed, "HOW _DARE_ YOU NOT HAVE HEARD OF HARRY POTTER! I AM ABSOLUTELY _DISGUSTED_! YOUR MOTHER IS NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S _ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT_! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER _TOE_ OUT OF LINE, YOUR MOTHER WILL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!" He turned to Triton, and lowering his voice, he said, "Oh, and Triton, dear, congratulations on catching that gigantic sea serpent. Your mother and I are so proud."

Amphitrite patted her son on the back, while Triton's chest puffed out like a blowfish. Everyone else remained silent. No one wanted to mess with Poseidon in this state.

"Unbelievable," Poseidon mutter angrily to himself, "My own son. A muggle! Outrageous! Simply preposterous!"

"Uh, Popo?" Zeus cleared his throat as inconspicuously as he could manage, "Perhaps you should –"

"Do not call me Popo!" Poseidon raged. He quickly added, "Zeusy."

Zeus got up from his throne. "You DARE –"

"I DARE!"

"BRING IT, BROTHER!"

"SHALL WE TAKE IT OUTSIDE?"

"NO! WE'LL DO IT RIGHT HERE!"

"Oh no," Athena murmured, "Here we go again."

Zeus didn't seem to have heard his daughter. "KELP BEARD!"

"AIR HEAD!" Poseidon retorted.

"MOULDY BARNACLE!"

"STUFFY AIR-FACE!"

"Stuffy air-face?" Lou Ellen asked.

"SHUT UP!" Poseidon barked.

"MERMAID!" Zeus yelled.

"THUNDER THIGHS!"

There was a collective gasp in the room. That name was never spoken of. The last person who said that name … well, the Greek god Momus was deleted from the history books for a reason.

Meanwhile, outside Olympus, thunder clouds gathered all across America, and there was a tsunami alert in San Francisco.

Things had started to get really violent between Poseidon and Zeus. The two brothers were actually trying to kill each other. They were both at one another's necks … literally.

"Poseidon!" Amphitrite called, "Poseidon, please stop!"

"I'm actually enjoying this," Ares grinned, "It isn't the same as Harry Potter, but I'm enjoying this."

"Everyone cash in your bets?" Hermes was walking around the crowd with a cardboard box, and various gods and goddesses were dumping stacks of golden drachmas in it.

"This isn't something to enjoy!" Hera cried, "My husband is getting killed!"

"Mother," Eileithyia, goddess of childbirth, rolled her eyes as she dropped 50 drachmas on Zeus into Hermes' box, "We're immortal, remember?"

"Oh."

Away from all the ruckus, Thalia, Lou Ellen and Percy slumped in a corner of the room.

"Godly help," Thalia grunted, "Pah. As if my father would do us any good."

"I HEARD THAT!" Zeus yelled, as he tried to shove his fingers into his opponent's eyes.

"Do you think Percy's going to remain a muggle for the rest of his life?" Lou Ellen whispered.

Thalia looked over at Percy, who was sitting further away from the two of them. He had a blank expression on his face, and looked like he was in a whole other reality.

"I hope not," Thalia murmured.

Percy didn't know what to think. His own father had chastised him in front of all of Olympus. He might as well have disowned him. All because Percy didn't know this lame book. What kind of a name was 'Harry Potter' anyway? Was he a potter? Was he hairy? Percy didn't understand. How could anyone find a book with a title like that interesting? Besides, the covers sucked. A boy in front of an old steam train? Wow, that is _so_ interesting. Oh look, I'm going to go chugging along on this old steam train now. Why don't you join me? It sounded like a really cheesy kids' movie from the fifties that was probably in black and white. Besides, how was Percy even expected to read these books anyway? He was dyslexic. His brain was hard-wired for ancient Greek.

For that matter, how was _anyone_ at camp able to read them?

"Stop! You're making a mistake!"

"Peanut butter!"

The two voices that rang through the room were very different, but both sounded extremely familiar to Percy. Sure enough, he looked through the door and saw a scrawny satyr and a Cyclops with a large bag running into the Olympian throne room.

Poseidon and Zeus stopped fighting, and stared at the odd pair, puzzled by their appearance.

"What is it you want?" Zeus finally spoke.

"Uh," Grover bowed quickly, "S-sir –"

"Fighting is bad," Tyson interrupted.

"Y-yes, well, that too," Grover twiddled his thumbs, "What we came to say is that you are all making a mistake."

"Then my boy is not a muggle?" Poseidon asked, somewhat hopefully.

"Percy is a muggle," Tyson confirmed sadly.

Grover noticed that Poseidon began to turn red in the face. "But there is a way to stop that!" he said, before Poseidon could insult his son any further.

"Oh?" Zeus raised an eyebrow.

"Wait," Thalia got up, "You know how to help us? You know how to help Percy?"

"Yes. You've all been doing it wrong."

"Excuse me?" Athena fumed, "Are you trying to say that _I_ am wrong? That you could come up with an idea to solve this problem when _I_ couldn't? Are you challenging _me_?"

"No! I'm not –"

"Men will always be muggles," Artemis proclaimed, "Men are going to be the downfall of us all. It is because of men that we cannot have nice things in this world. Men ruin everything. So men must be muggles too. Men are –"

Artemis only turned quiet because Hecate had put a spell on her and turned her mute. There was a brief silence.

"You're welcome?" the magic goddess said, after she received no acknowledgement for her service to Olympus, "Hello? I did you a favour, here."

Lou Ellen hid her face in her hands. "That is my mother," she groaned.

In the centre of the room, Grover started to feel uncomfortable. Tyson noticed this.

"LISTEN TO GOAT BOY!" he boomed, and the entire throne room went mute.

"Alright," Grover wiped the sweat off his brow, "Alright. So, as I was saying, yelling abuse at Percy is not going to help him. And neither," he looked at Lou Ellen, "Are lessons in Harry Potter 101."

"Then what?" Thalia asked, "What do we have to do?"

Tyson reached into his bag and pulled out seven books. "Percy will read!"

Every immortal in the room, along with Thalia and Lou Ellen, stared at the stack of books Tyson held in his hands. One by one, each being let out a long sigh: "Ohhhhhhhhh". You could almost hear the light-bulbs pinging on top of their heads.

"Guys," Percy finally stood up in front of the crowd, "I'm a demigod. Dyslexia, remember?"

Tyson held the books out for his half brother to see. "They are there in ancient Greek."

Another long "Ohhhhhhhhh" ran across the room.

"Now," Athena rubbed her chin, "Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

"Because you didn't want your daughter to have a reason to get back with him?" Demeter replied.

"Oh yes," Athena mused, "I must have been knitting scarves for too long."

"Perhaps, little miss Woolen-knickers."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

"Perseus Jackson!" Zeus thundered, completely ignorant of Athena's plea, "Come forward."

All the immortals summoned themselves seats and settled down, with the exception of Hermes, who was walking around selling jumbo ambrosia-flavoured popcorn at the ridiculous price of forty-five drachmas. Thalia and Lou Ellen went back to their corner, and they all watched Percy cautiously approach the king of the gods.

A million things were running through Percy's mind. What on earth was Zeus going to do? Hadn't everyone solved their supposed problem already? Why were the books translated into ancient Greek? How did Grover know that Percy hadn't read the books? And where in Tartarus did _Tyson_ manage to get his hands on seven huge novels? All Percy could think was: 'Please tell me Tyson hasn't read Harry Potter too."

"Perseus Jackson," Zeus boomed once more, for he felt it more melodramatic to repeat the demigod's entire name twice, "You are guilty of causing chaos in the throne room of Olympus, almost instigating a war between I and your father," (Zeus knew that it was grammatically incorrect to say 'I and your father', but he felt that he should always put himself first.) "Causing distress to your fellows at the demigod facility, and not reading the biggest sensation in centuries. I decree a punishment is in order?"

"Aye," came the murmured response from the immortals.

"Then, Perseus Jackson," Zeus sat tall in his throne, "I sentence you to a non-stop reading of the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling. Although I dare say that it is a punishment at all."

The gathered crowd stood up and cheered. Percy didn't see why everyone was making a big fuss, but before he knew it, he was heaved up into the air by Nike and her three siblings.

"Percy for Potter!" they were yelling, "Percy for Potter!"

While the chant was silly, Percy found it rather catchy. Perhaps it really was all a big deal after all.


	7. Chapter Syv

CHAPTER SEVEN: _Words can't even express my love._

Percy was to start his punishment straight away. After Dionysus told the camp the good news (and after yet another major celebration), Percy was sent straight back to Cabin Three with the alarmingly heavy stack of books. He picked first book off the top of the pile.

"Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," he read aloud. He opened the book and set to work.

_CHAPTER ONE_

_The Boy Who Lived_

_ Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense._

_ Mr Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings … _

Percy was entranced. The more he read this book, the more he fell in love. He could relate so well to Harry. It was like they shared the same story. He even _looked_ like Harry. He half wished Harry were real. He might have been Percy's long lost twin brother.

Percy read ten chapters before he went to bed. Ten entire chapters! Percy had never read that much in one sitting in his entire life. And how proud he felt of himself!

Percy fell asleep wondering what house the Sorting Hat would put him into.

"Good morning, brother!"

Percy opened his eyes enough to make out a large calf brown eye looking down at him. He half grunted, acknowledging the eye's presence.

"It is morning! Time to wake up."

Percy reached blindly for his bedside table. His right hand managed to find his panda pillow pet, and he stuffed it in his face. "Let me sleep," came the muffled reply.

"Percy!" This one was another voice, a female one. "Percy, it's eight o' clock already!"

Percy lifted the pillow pet off his face and got up slowly. He was vaguely conscious of his surroundings. A big humanoid lump was standing next to his bed, which must've been Tyson. Another shorter figure was standing closer to the door. Percy blinked. It was Katie Gardiner of the Demeter Cabin. "Eight o' clock already?" Percy mumbled, "Golly gee, I didn't know it was that late."

"Very funny." Katie didn't sound very amused. She came to Percy's bed and held something out to him. "I got you breakfast."

Percy rubbed his eyes until he could see clearly. He looked at what Katie was holding. It was a bowl of cereal. Percy flumped back on the bed and shut his eyes tight.

"Excuse me?" Katie set the bowl on his bedside table. "Are you _declining_ my offer to feed you your morning meal?"

"What is it with you Demeter people and cereal?"

Katie gasped. From the corner of his eye, Percy could see Tyson back away into a corner of the room. Katie's 'angry face' must have been pretty scary.

"Oh, you," she pointed a finger accusingly at him, "You MUGGLE!" She stomped out of the cabin.

Percy sat up in his bed. Having spent most of the previous night reading Harry Potter, he was deeply insulted. He looked at his bedside table. The bowl of cereal still rested upon it. Percy felt even more abused.

"Cereal girl used a bad word," Tyson said quietly. Percy grinned and got off the bed.

"Want some breakfast, big guy?" he offered the bowl to Tyson. Tyson gladly accepted. He made loud slurping noises as he ate.

Percy got ready and went outside. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and everyone seemed to be going about their normal activities with a bit more gusto than the day before. Percy strutted all the way to the training area. What a fine day for strutting it was.

"Percy!" Thalia called. She was standing with Grover, Will Solace and Annabeth.

"Hey, guys," Percy walked over to them. Grover exchanged a fist bump with him, while Will nodded in acknowledgement. Annabeth still hadn't quite forgiven him, and she looked away, crossing her arms.

"How did it go?" Thalia asked.

"How did what go?"

"The book, Seaweed Brain. You were reading the book."

"Oh, yeah!" Percy's eyes lit up. He launched into a long, ecstatic rant about how amazing the book was, and how he can't believe he'd never heard about it before.

"It's so … GOOD!" Percy faltered through his words, unable to find the right thing to say. "Aw, man! Words can't even express my love."

Thalia rolled her eyes. "Finally, he comes to his senses!"

Will applauded Percy. "Well done, man," he nodded.

"Glad I saved your life now?" Grover piped up.

"Ah, Grover," Percy clapped his friend on the back, "Thanks, bro!"

"Don't mention it."

"So," Thalia said, "Are you going to go finish that book now?"

Percy stole a glance at Annabeth. She was still ignoring him. "I guess so," he ran his hands through his hair, "But just one more thing."

"What?"

"Harry has black hair and green eyes."

"Yeah. So?"

"So," Percy tugged at his collar, "If they ever made a movie out of this book, I reckon I'd make a great Harry Potter."

The trio stayed silent for a whole minute. Then they burst into fits of laughter. Will even went on to, quite literally, 'ROFL-ing'. He banged his fist on the ground screaming, "I'm dead! I'm dead! I can't take it any more!". Even Annabeth cracked a small smile.

"What?" Percy asked. He was about as confused as he was the day before.

"Percy," Grover said, "Harry Potter has already been made into a movie."

"What?"

"The entire series has been made into movies."

"Were they good?"

"Were they good?" Thalia repeated, "Were they good!" She stepped over Will, still on the ground, giggling uncontrollably. "Percy, it's the most famous movie franchise of the century!"

"WHAT?"

"The last one just came out a few weeks ago," Grover explained.

"They … th-they …"

"Yep."

Percy plonked down. When his rear found Will's head instead of the ground, he shuffled a little to the right. "Th-they … a f-few w-w-weeks …"

Percy went into a state of shock. He didn't notice Annabeth shuffling away, or Grover and Thalia dragging Will to the cabins. All he cared about at that time was where the Hades he had been when the entire world was celebrating a such an epic phenomenon.


	8. Chapter Agt

CHAPTER EIGHT: _Persephone is constipated?_

"A cat! She turned into a freaking cat!"

Percy was laughing hysterically. He lay on his bed in Cabin Three, occasionally waving his feet in the air when he got tired of flipping from side to side. Malcolm from the Athena cabin sat silently at his bed, listening.

"And," Percy managed to calm down for a short while, "And I bet … if Crookshanks saw her, he would've … fallen in love with … BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Percy recommenced his maniacal giggles.

"How can you be so sure of Crookshanks' sexual orientation?" Malcolm asked quietly.

"Oh." Percy stopped laughing. He lay flat on his back. "I guess you can't."

"Precisely." Malcolm got a spare drachma out of his pocket and started fiddling with it. "You cannot be certain that Crookshanks is, indeed, a heterosexual. You must consider _all_ possibilities, Percy. Only then can you ever be properly successful in world domination."

Percy sat up. "World domination?"

Malcolm jumped in his seat, the drachma flying out of his hands. "Did I say world domination?" he wrung his wrists, "I meant to say my aunt's constipation."

"You need to consider all possibilities to be successful in your aunt's constipation?"

"Oh, look at the time," Malcolm stared at his watch-less wrist, "I must take leave. Archery practice awaits!" Malcolm got out of his seat and strode towards the door.

"Wait," Percy ran up to him, "Your aunt? On your mother's side?"

"Yes, yes," Malcolm strode faster, "Whatever you like."

"So who would that be? Artemis? Persephone? Persephone is constipated?"

"If you insist!" Malcolm broke into a run. Percy noticed that he went in the opposite direction of the training grounds.

"Peter Johnson!" a voice yelled behind him. There was only one person who would call him that.

Percy decided to face the music and turned around. "Yes, Mr D?"

"Why are you not inside your cabin right now?" Dionysus asked, placing his hands on his hips. He was wearing a tight green top and purple pants. He reminded Percy of that big green superhero. The Hunk? The Bulk? Something like that.

"Because Persephone is constipated," Percy replied.

"What?"

"Persephone is constipated," Percy repeated, without blinking, "That's what Malcolm told me."

"Who?"

"Malcolm? Blonde guy from Cabin Six? About yeh high?" Percy gestured held his hand just below the top of his head.

"Oh, you must mean Marley."

"Uh, no, his name is … never mind. He told me that Persephone is constipated."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Dionysus scratched his beard. "I should look into this. Come on," he gestured to Percy to come with him.

Percy followed Dionysus into the Big House. Mr D sprayed some Mr. Clean into the light of a small table lamp. Percy didn't understand how artificial light and a cleaning agent could create a rainbow (he decided that it was a continuity issue on the author's part), but it did nonetheless. Mr D tossed a drachma into the rainbow and simply asked, "Zeus". But instead of Zeus' head shimmering into the screen, it was that of the messenger god's.

"Ah, yes, Father's a little busy right now," Hermes was busy tapping away furiously into his iPad, not even glancing at the mist, "May I take a message?"

"Is that an iPad?" Dionysus asked.

Hermes looked up and jumped. "Oh, hello there!" He looked at the device in his hands, "An iPad 2, actually. The latest and best."

"How come you get and iPad and I don't?" Dionysus pouted.

"Because daddy obviously likes me better," Hermes rolled his eyes. He went back to tapping at the screen. "Can you hurry it up? I'm kind of busy here."

"I hate being the younger sibling," Dionysus muttered. He stood on his tip-toes, trying to look at the iPad's screen. "Are you on Twitter?"

"Shh," Hermes put his finger to his lips, "No one should know."

"But daddy said we shouldn't be using mortal websites," Dionysus pouted even harder. Percy started to wonder if Dionysus wore this expression in front of his siblings often. "That's why he made you make so we could use that instead!"

"I know what he said!" Hermes snapped, "But this is the only way I can keep in touch with my, erm, mortal friends."

"Mortal friends? They're all female, I'm guessing."

"Well, of course they are! What did you think?"

"Are they hot?"

Percy decided that this was the appropriate time to clear his throat. "Ahem!" he interrupted.

"Percy?" Hermes held his iPad with one hand and adjusted his collar with the other, "I, um, didn't see you there. How much of that conversation did you hear, exactly?"

"All of it," Percy said drily.

"Anyway," Dionysus said, "We called to ask a question."

"Shoot," Hermes said.

"Is Persephone constipated?"

Percy winced as he heard the iPad clatter on the marble floor. Hermes' lower jaw was almost touching the ground.

"Oh em gee," Hermes said, "Are you for real?"

"Why are you talking like that?" Dionysus asked.

Hermes coughed. "Sorry. Twitter must've gotten into my system."

"Anyway, Percy here says that his friend Malcolm told him this."

"Maybe she ate too many pomegranates," Percy added helpfully.

"POMEGRANATES?" a voice called from the Iris-Message. It was coming from somewhere to Hermes' right.

"Oh dear," Hermes sighed, "You _had_ to say that word just when Demeter enters the room."

"Hermes, you better not even be thinking about that vicious fruit! I don't care if Persephone asked for it, you are not giving it to her! I can't believe she's craving pomegranates, OF ALL THINGS! That girl had better not be pregnant again. And … is that Twitter?"

"Demeter, I –"

"You're on TWITTER? After that whole lecture about not being allowed to use mortal websites, after you making an internet for us immortals, you go to TWITTER? And I trust _you_ to bring my daughter back from the Underworld. Hecate is far more responsible."

"Demeter –"

"I mean, sure, she sleeps around. But everyone's been sleeping around in the last century. Heck, even I've been sleeping around! And do you know what it is like to be the mother of so many children? I think not! How could you expect someone like you to understand, anyway? You're just a no-good –"

"Demeter, will you –"

"Irresponsible –"

"Deme–"

The mist image disappeared.

"_For more time, please pay one more drachma_," a pleasant voice spoke.

Dionysus waved his hand through the mist. He turned around and stared at Percy for two whole minutes.

"What are you doing here, Parker Jensen?" he asked, finally, "Go to your cabin and read! Sheesh, you demigods and your ADHD. You can't even sit down to read a good book. Honestly!"

Percy walked back to his cabin with a throbbing pain in his forehead. He was starting to get well-acquainted with these aches, now.


	9. Chapter εννέα

CHAPTER NINE: _Yer a generic primary protagonist._

Percy was beside himself with joy. He had never felt this joyful before. Perhaps he, like Harry, could have conjured the best patronus he ever had – and he had never conjured one in his life.

"They won the cup!" he jumped on the spot, "They won the cup, they won the cup! Slytherin, those sick, cheating b–"

"Language!" gasped Juniper, but she was jumping with him and laughing to her heart's content.

Percy had bounded out of his cabin all the way to the woods, where Juniper and Butch were talking. Percy wasn't entirely sure what they were talking about. In his excitement, he had only heard the words 'rare herbs' and 'good for complexion'.

"But they won it anyway!" Percy now proceeded to leap around the couple. The only time he had ever leaped this high was when he had jumped off the St. Louis Arch, and that was more of a fall. But the adrenaline rush was flowing strong through his veins, and there was no stopping it. Who knew a book could have this much power?

"Gryffindor," Butch grunted, "Where dwell the brave at heart."

"That's my house," Percy stopped springing and took time to pound his chest, "Gryffindor. That's where I should be."

"You're such a generic primary protagonist."

"I'm a … what?" Percy asked.

"Butch, you shouldn't have –" Juniper started, but Percy didn't let her finish.

"But I _can't_ be!" Percy cried, "I'm just me! Just … Percy!"

Butch leaned over Percy. "Yer a generic primary protagonist, Perseus Jackson," he breathed on the smaller man's face, "Do you have a problem with that?"

"N-n-no," Percy gulped.

"Good," Butch stood up straight, "Now if Juniper and I may go back to talking about which herbs are best for my skin, that would be nice."

"Oh, I heard sea salts are very good for your skin."

"Oh?" Butch crossed his arms, obviously very interested. "Sea salts, is it?"

"Oh yes, I use them every day." Percy rubbed his cheeks and showed them to Butch. "See? Completely flawless."

"Wow." Butch tilted his head, "I always did wonder how you kept your skin so lovely and clean."

"May I have some of those sea salts?" Juniper piped up.

"Sure!" Percy agreed, "But I'm not sure what it'll do to tree nymphs."

"Can it get rid of unwanted moss and lichen?"

"I … don't think so."

"Oh well," Juniper sighed.

"It's worth a try," Butch said.

"Butch is right," Percy said, "I'll give you a pack. We'll see how that –"

There was a sudden flash of light as a beautiful woman appeared, not many feet from the trio. She turned her grey eyes on the nymph and the burly son of Iris.

"Juniper and Butch," she nodded.

Then she noticed Percy.

"Oh, look at the time," Percy said, looking at his non-existent watch, "I should go now."

Athena lifted one of her feet and brought it down to the ground, one inch closer to Percy.

"Bye," Percy squeaked. He swivelled around on his right foot and turned to leave.

"PERSEUS JACKSON!" Athena roared. Percy had no choice but to stop dead in his tracks. Reluctantly, he turned around to face the goddess.

"Uh," Percy tried to find something intelligent to say. "Hi?"

"And why are you not reading?" Athena placed her hands on her hips.

"I was!" Percy crossed his arms. Clearly, this goddess had not got the memo. "I have been reading it since I was sentenced to read it!"

"Then what are you doing now?" Athena said, raising an eyebrow.

"I was reporting my progress."

"By talking about sea salts?"

"Um," Juniper cut in, "If I may interrupt here, milady, Butch called Percy the Title That Must Never Be Mentioned."

Athena turned around to stare at Juniper. She stared at Juniper for a very long time. "He … what?" she stuttered.

"He called him –"

"What?" Percy asked, "Are you talking about me?"

"She did say your name, demigod," Athena said coldly.

"What?" Butch interrupted, "That Percy is a generic primary protagonist?"

Juniper's hand flew to her chest she gave a very dramatic gasp, while Athena's jaw nearly touched the grass she was standing on. Percy just stood there and blinked.

"You!" Athena breathed, "You spoke … the unspeakable!"

"The unspeakable?" Butch asked.

"There's an unspeakable?" Percy scratched his head.

"What's the unspeakable? That Percy is a generic primary protagonist?"

This next comment was greeted by even louder gasps from both Juniper and Athena.

"You didn't!" Athena glared.

"What's wrong with that?" Butch was confused.

"That is the forbidden title!" Athena whispered, "The Title That Must Never Be Mentioned!"

"Well, it's a little insulting, but it isn't that bad," Percy said.

"Not that bad?" Juniper gasped, "Oh, Percy, it's _very_ bad!"

"Why?" Butch asked.

"Because," Athena whispered, "It is."

"It is?" Percy asked.

"It is."

"Why is it?"

"Because!" Athena was starting to get angry.

"Because why?"

"Because it is!"

"But why is it?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

"Because you said so?" Percy tilted his head, "What are you, so great that your word is law?"

Crickets chirped. Butch began to back away slowly, moving an inch every few seconds until he finally managed to rid himself of the scene.

"Percy," Juniper hissed, "This is Athena you're talking to."

Percy's eyes grew wide as realisation suddenly hit him. This was _Athena_ he was talking to. Athena, the head chimera in charge. Athena, daddy's golden girl. She could do no wrong. Her word really was law. He noticed her stony grey eyes boring into his own, as if trying to drill a hole through his skull. He gulped.

"That's right, demigod," Athena said.

"Um," Percy gulped again, "Sorry, Lady Athena."

"Mhmm," Athena narrowed her eyes, "You should be."

Percy gulped yet again. There was no god on Olympus that scared him more than Athena. And what was worse, he was dating her daughter.

He _used _to date her daughter.

"Percy?" Juniper tugged on his arm. "We should go."

"Uh," was all Percy could say. He could make out Juniper bowing from the corner of his eye, and, confused, he bowed as well. Then he felt Juniper's gentle tug on his arm as she pulled him away slowly. But all he could look at was Athena. Her grey eyes were just like Annabeth's when she broke up him: cold and deadly.

Now Percy was seriously scared.


	10. Chapter Dez

CHAPTER TEN: _Don't kiss the monster!_

The Hungarian Horntail? Percy had fought worse.

"I mean, Ladon was pretty bad too, you know," Percy murmured aloud. His eyes scanned the page slowly, as if taking in every word. "Hungarian Horntail … ha! I could fight that." Percy looked up at the only other person in the third cabin: Nico Di Angelo. Nico was curled up in a chair, hidden behind a thick book himself.

"Did you hear me?" Percy asked. The boy didn't stir. "Nico!" Percy called again. Nico jumped, his book flying out of his hands and flat onto the floor.

"Wha-wha-a?" Nico blinked quickly many times.

"Did you hear what I – what's that?" Percy looked at something that could be barely seen in Nico's fist.

Nico held the object out to see. Percy could make out an action figure dressed in red and gold.

"Is that –" Percy started.

Nico nodded. "Harry Potter. 4th year. It's a limited edition. I took it from a corpse in Asphodel."

"You stole a Harry Potter figurine from a corpse in Asphodel?"

"That's not the point."

"What happened to Mythomagic?"

Nico scoffed. "I outgrew that years ago."

"Can I have all your figures, then?"

"Since when did you collect –"

"That's not the point." Percy stuck his tongue out at Nico.

Nico blinked. He blinked again. Sometimes Percy did not act like he was three years older and had saved Olympus. "Alright," Nico conceded, "You can have them if your want. They're just dolls."

"They're _action figures_!" Percy protested.

"Sure. Whatever you like, Percy."

Ten minutes later, Nico's entire Mythomagic figurine collection had arrived at Cabin Three. Percy had gone back to his book, but had been unable to concentrate from the sheer excitement of receiving the complete collection in all its faux-godly glory. He had given Nico no choice but to bring out his entire collection from wherever he had stashed it – to this day, Percy still didn't know where Nico kept his belongings, or if he even had any – and hand it over to Percy for him to keep. Percy was excited. He had never seen any Mythomagic figurine up close before. He didn't like to admit it, but they had always intrigued them. When Nico was playing with them, he always wanted to know more.

"I'll be in the corner if you want me," Nico shrugged. But Percy was too busy discovering his new toys to even notice Nico's presence in the room, let alone notice him flopping down on a small chair.

Nico thought this Harry Potter toy was very cool. Of course, it didn't look much like the actor in the movie, but Nico liked it all the same. It even came with a little broom. A Firebolt! Now all it needed was a little Hedwig to go with it. Perhaps he could find that as well, on that website where you can get nearly everything. All he needed to do was sneak on his father's computer again. The underworld had a surprisingly good Wi-Fi signal. Nico had learnt all these terms now. Times had changed since he was last exposed to the world. Now there was this wonderful thing called Internet, where you could find out about anything you wanted to find and read terrible yet addictive stories by people who were unaware of the existence of grammar. And of course, websites were you could get anything. Unfortunately, these websites did not accept payment in drachmas, so Nico had to use his father's credit card. Nico had just begun to daydream of all the wonderful Hedwig figurines he could find on the website, when he heard Percy yelling.

"Die, die, DIE!" Zeus growled as he pounced on the Dracaena. He adjusted himself so that his thunderbolt was hitting the Dracaena's chest. In the process, however, his lips hit the mouth of the vile monster.

"Ew, Zeus!" said Demeter, her voice ridiculously deep and masculine, "Don't kiss the monster! That's just gross."

Zeus turned to face Demeter. "But she's a good kisser!"

"Ewwwwwwwwwwww," The Dracaena shook.

"IT'S OKAY, ZEUSY!" Poseidon boomed, appearing out of nowhere, "I'LL SAVE YOU FROM THE BAD MONSTER!"

"Oh, Poseidon!" Demeter swooned.

Poseidon flew majestically into the air, his plastic beard flowing in the wind. (Or it would, if it could.) Poseidon began to descend smoothly, the plastic base at his feet headed directly for the Dracaena. The monster was petrified, and did nothing but watch as the base came closer and closer to its landing point. Finally, Poseidon met his destination, crashing into the Dracaena and bouncing up again, casually pulverising the life out of the poor serpent.

"Take THAT!" Percy yelled, "And THAT! BAM, BAM, BAM!" Percy proceeded to use the most vulgar string of sentences Nico had ever heard. Nico sat wide-eyed in his seat, not daring to move an inch, or even breathe.

"—YOUR FACE! HA! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"

"Um, Percy?" Nico decided it was the right time to speak. "What … are you doing?"

Percy jumped out of his seat and raised his hands in the air. "I'm innocent, I tell you!"

Nico sank deeper into his chair. "O-okay?"

"Nico?" Percy asked quietly, "You … you're still here?"

"Um, yes." Nico nodded.

"You didn't leave?"

"Nope."

"Oh." Percy looked at the Poseidon figurine in his hand. "So … can you leave now?"

"What?"

"Can you, like, go away?" Percy said, "I need to be alone to, um, do some alone things."

"Alone things?"

"A man needs some time to himself sometimes."

Nico cringed. "Dude, that's just _wrong_."

"What? No!" Percy shook his head, "No! I didn't mean – oh my gods, Nico, how do you even know about … you know what? Never mind. I don't want to know." Percy collected all the Mythomagic figurines together and put them back in their box. "I was just going to keep reading. It'll be boring in here. You should go."

"Oh," Nico said, scratching his head, "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Yep."

"So," Nico gestured to the door, "I'll just …"

"Go, yeah," Percy urged.

Nico blinked. "Okay. Cool." He grabbed the handle of the door to the Poseidon cabin, turned it, and headed outside the door.

Percy scrambled to the window and watched Nico leave. He waited until Nico was well out of sight, and drew the turquoise curtains. He flopped down next to the box of figurines and opened it, taking out two little figurines: Poseidon and the Dracaena.

Once again, Poseidon faced the Dracaena, his trident ready, and plastic beard flapping in the breeze (if it could).

"We meet again, Dracaena," Poseidon said.

The serpent snarled. "Only too soon, Poseidon."

"Don't worry," sneered Poseidon, "This rendezvous won't last long."

The Dracaena held her head high. "Before we begin," she breathed, "Tell me this: is it true that you pass your impossible good looks onto all of your offspring?"

Poseidon stood tall and mighty, and flicked a strand of beautiful jet black hair from his eyes. "You had better believe it," he said, "And do you know what else my offspring get from me?"

"No. What do they get from you?"

"This." Poseidon resumed trouncing the monster, while shouting to the world about how his offspring retain his badassiness as well as his beauty. Next to the fight, goddesses oohed and aahed over the very thing he was bellowing about, taking in every sound of his voice like they were a treasure.

"Percy?" said a voice.

Percy jumped and screamed again, protesting that he really was innocent and he didn't need arresting, please.

Clarisse looked back at a concerned Nico di Angelo. "You said weird," she muttered, "You were right."

Nico nodded solemnly. "Um, Percy? Can I have my collection back, please?"

"The action figures?" Percy asked, putting a protective hand around the Poseidon figurine, "Why?"

"I need them back."

"But I'm not done with –"

"Get back to reading your book, you dweeb," Clarisse growled.

"Okay," Percy said quickly.

"Goodbye, dad," Percy whispered, as he put the last statuette back in the box. He watched as the figurine floated away, not bothering to turn back.

Percy looked at the book, still lying on his bed, exactly where he had left it. Thoughts of the Hungarian Horntail and Harry's Triwizard Tournament came rushing back into his head. Percy readily grabbed for the book. Maybe after he's done with it, he could ask Nico for his Harry Potter toy. He could already see the scenes vividly in his head; Harry riding on his broom, looking amazing and fabulous, telling the world about how he wished he looked like a young demigod called Percy Jackson. It brought a smile to Percy's face. He opened the book and, once again, he began to read.


	11. Chapter Vienpadsmit

CHAPTER ELEVEN: _It was by some dude called Stan Lee?_

"Sorry, kid," the man said, "There is no 600th floor here. Don't they teach you that at school?"

"Um …" Percy didn't know how to answer that one.

It had been a week since his sentence of a Harry Potter reading marathon had been delivered, and it was time for Percy to report to Olympus. Which was all well and good with Percy – he was almost done with the fifth book already – only the bald guy who was normally at the lobby was nowhere to be seen. And now this other guard, a much older man, was staring at him, as if concerned about the poor education received by deprived members of the Generation Y.

"How old are you?" the guard asked, "Fifteen? Sixteen? You oughta know that by now, kid. Why, back in my day, in my elementary school in outer NYC, we were told right at the start that the Empire State Building has 102 storeys, and that's it. What do they teach at schools these days?"

"I need to get to Olympus," Percy said urgently, "I have an appointment with Zeus."

Now the man looked less concerned about Percy's education than he was about his mental health. "Zeus?" he asked, "Olympus? What are you talking about? Kids these days, rambling on with their acronyms and jargon and whatnots."

As the guard kept grumbling, Percy began to panic. What if the guard was a mortal? What if he couldn't see through the mist? Where was the other guy, the one who always read books? What if Percy could never get to Olympus? Percy flinched at the thought of what Zeus would do to him.

Percy apologised to the guard and took a seat at one of the chairs around the lobby. If Zeus was going to incinerate him, he might as well be sitting down. Percy leaned back in the comfortable chair, and placed his arms on the rests. It was made of soft leather, and Percy felt like he could lie in the seat forever. It seemed perfectly suited to the arch of his back, and it accommodated any position his rump was in. What Percy would do to have a chair like this of his own.

Percy leaned back and reached into his satchel, bringing out a thick book. Perhaps if Zeus caught him reading, he wouldn't be so angry. Percy flipped the pages till he found the blue Post-it note he had stuck in as a makeshift bookmark. Dumbledore's Army were just about to break into the Ministry of Magic. Percy blinked. That was it! In the book, Umbridge had taken all but Dumbledore's office from him. Was Percy not in the same situation right now? The bald security guard had been replaced by a new one, who was taking away Percy's rights to Olympus. And what did Harry do when his rights were taken away from him?

Percy nearly jumped out of his seat. He needed an army. An army in the name of the old security guard, who used to read good books and let demigods into Olympus. The brave, bold, bald soldier who had run away from his post when he was supposed to guard Olympus during the war.

Percy stuffed the book back into the satchel, headed out of the building and caught the first cab that came to him. He even offered to pay extra when the driver refused to drive all the way to Long Island. It felt like ages before he reached the camp, and running to the Big House felt like a marathon. (Although the only reason for that was that Percy ran really slow. It wasn't actually that far a distance.)

"Back already?" Chiron was waiting up the front. "And you're alive?"

Percy stopped and put his hands on his knees, gasping for air. "I never went," he puffed.

Chiron's wheelchair fell to the ground in a clatter, and in his centaur form he towered over Percy. "What?!"

"I didn't go," Percy repeated, "They didn't let me."

"They didn't let you?"

"That guy. The bald security guard. He's gone!"

"Couldn't you have asked someone else?"

"He didn't let me!"

"Oh dear."

"I want him back. The old bald guy. I can't stand for this anymore."

Chiron scratched his beard. "Are you being a little melodramatic?"

Percy brooded as he pace the front porch. "The man was our connection to the gods, to Olympus. He was our Bïfrost!"

"Percy I think you're being – wait, how do you know about Bïfrost?"

Percy stopped. "Uh, I think I read it in a comic book."

"Comic book?"

"It was called Thor. It was by some dude called Stan Lee?"

Chiron sighed with relief. "Carry on."

"So we _have_ to bring him back. At all costs! Because without him, we are hopeless! We are vulnerable! We are decrepit! We are f–"

"Percy!"

"–Forlorn?"

"Good." Chiron rubbed the side of his nose. "I suppose you do have a point. We can't get to Olympus without him."

"So that settles it!" Percy rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "I'll start recruiting for the Bald Guy's army."

"Yes, well – army?"

"It shall be glorious. We will prevail!"

"Percy, what have you been reading?!"

Percy gave Chiron a weird look. "Uh," he said, "Harry Potter?"

"Ah. Ah yes, of course." Chiron was still puzzled as to how Percy's vocabulary had increased so greatly after only four books, but he let it pass. "Carry on."

Percy had reached the courtyard before Chiron realised what he said. He went to Cabin Six, eager to tell Annabeth what he had planned, and he stopped. Annabeth wasn't talking to him anymore. And because she had ended their relationship, he couldn't even go up and talk to her. It would be too awkward.

"Percy?"

"MERLIN'S BALLS!" Percy yelped, and he leaped four feet away from where he stood. He was so busy staring up at the Athena cabin and thinking about Annabeth that he didn't realise that Nyssa had walked up to him. Nyssa's expression morphed quickly from concerned to scared witless.

"P-Percy?"

Percy blinked and shook his head. "Sorry. What is it?"

"Um," Nyssa hesitated, "I w-was just wondering i-if you were okay?"

"Uh, yeah," Percy ran his hands through his hair, "I'm good."

"Great." Nyssa tried to give Percy a nice, bright smile, but to Percy, she looked more like she had gas. "I'll j-just be on m-m-my way, then–"

"Actually . . ."

If Percy was going to start recruiting for the Bald Guy's army, he had to start _now_. That meant enlisting every person he passed by. He didn't notice Nyssa curse under her breath as she turned to face him. It was time to act.

Percy put an arm around Nyssa and gave her a cheesy smile. "How would you like to be a part of a revolutionary new era?"

* * *

><p>"Someone shut the door," Percy said.<p>

There were six people in their army: Percy, Nyssa, Grover, the Stoll brothers and a petite little girl of about thirteen from the Apollo cabin, named Kayla. It wasn't quite the crew Percy had in mind when he started this thing (and to be quite honest, Percy wasn't really sure what he did have in mind when he started this thing), but they were better than nothing. They stood in a long, dark, empty corridor with many doors lining the sides.

"So . . ." Grover whistled, "What now, Percy?"

"I have no idea," Percy shrugged.

"What?!"

"What? Okay, maybe I didn't quite think this through."

"Maybe?!"

"Look, bubs." Kayla stepped between them, taking two arrows out of her quiver and placing them, head end, on each of their chests. Her voice was so high she could've passed for a ten year old, except that it was so breathy that she seemed much more sinister. "I didn't sign up to hear you fellows bicker, so let's blow this freak show, alright?"

"A-alright," Grover whimpered.

Kayla remained silent for a moment, before breathing "good". She placed the arrows back in her quiver and sleeked away, swivelling around to meet Percy's eye. "We're all yours, bub."

Percy blushed furiously. Did he just get shown up by a thirteen year old girl? And an Apollo kid, of all people. He could hear the sun god laughing at him from above.

"Right," Percy blinked, as he rummaged through his satchel and pulled out his book. "Well, in this part of the book, Dumbledore's army just look at every door and –"

"Waited till they could find the right one," Nyssa nodded, "Yeah, but how do we know if we've found the right one?"

"Um . . . I don't know, I guess we'll just know, right?"

"Well," Travis shrugged, "You can't argue with logic like that."

The group murmured their agreement, and went up to the door closest to them. Nyssa turned the knob and pushed, the gang getting their various weapons ready. (Percy clutched Riptide, the Stoll brothers were armed with Greek fire, Kayla readied her bow and Grover had his panpipes and a stale enchilada.) But the door opened easily, and no threat faced them. Instead, they were met with an odd sight.

"Are those . . .?" Percy began.

"Floating brains," Nyssa scowled, "Ew."

"Awesome!" Connor said.

"Yeah, bro!" Travis agreed, exchanging a high-five with his brother.

"Bubs," Kayla sighed, "Ya'll are some sad, sad human beings."

"Let's get out of here," Grover nudged Percy, "This is really creepy."

Out they went, back to the corridor. Percy couldn't get the image of the brains out of his head, and he almost felt like puking.

"Next door," he managed to say, and walked down to the next room and pushed it open, his sword at the ready.

This one was much darker, so much that they could barely see.

"Anyone got a light?" Percy whispered; but just as he had opened his mouth, a flame flickered into existence. It was Kayla, holding a cigarette lighter.

"Um," Percy blinked, "Okay." He looked around the room. "I don't see anything."

"But I can smell it," Grover quivered. He had found a piece of wood and had begun chewing on it.

"What can you smell?" Percy asked. But just then, he felt a shadow looming up behind him.

"_BRAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS!_"

"Z-Z-Zombie!" Grover yelped.

Percy rolled to the floor and slashed the air with Riptide. He watched the flame from the lighter dwindle and vanish. Something small and bright passed by his ear. He looked towards it and found an arrow lit with Greek fire, burning the carpet. The sound of panpipes filled the air; Grover must have lost his enchilada.

"_BRAAAAIINNSS TO EEAAATTT!_" The moan came from directly behind Percy. He swung around and stabbed at the corpse. Percy leaped onto the zombie's head as it fell to the ground, sticking his sword up the monster's nose.

"Zombies . . . are not . . . what demigods . . . are supposed to . . . deal with!" he yelled between each thrust.

"I GOT DYNAMITE!" Percy heard Travis (or Connor) scream.

Wait . . . dynamite?

Percy leaped off the zombie. "Guys," he could hear Nyssa say, "That is _not_ a good id–"

_BOOM!_

The force of the explosion threw their troop back into the corridor, blowing debris and zombie guts into the air.

"I did _not_ sign up for this," Nyssa muttered.

"Well," Grover said, brushing himself off, "At least we only have one door left."

And so they did; the last door of the corridor remained intact, glowing with an odd, flickering light.

"Why didn't we just open that door before?" Connor asked, "I mean, it's all glowy and weird. That had to be the one."

Percy chose to ignore Connor's rational argument and crept step by step towards the light. He put his ear against the wood and knocked gently. But he could hear nothing inside.

"Shh," Percy hushed, putting his finger to his lips, and ever so slowly, he turned the knob. Then he turned it a second time. About ten more turns, more forceful, came in quick succession, but the door would not budge.

"It's locked," Percy scratched his head.

"I can see that, bub," Kayla said, pulling out a peculiar arrow with a box-shaped device on the end instead of an arrowhead. She jammed it into the wood. "We should run."

No sooner had they reached the other end of the aisle did the arrow explode, throwing more door debris all around them.

"Or we could've done that," Percy mumbled.

The room was a small security booth, set up with televisions showing live footage from every area of the Empire State. A figure sat on a high-backed chair in front, his features unclear in the shadows. He was petting some sort of furry creature which was sitting on the arm of his seat.

"I've been expecting you," a voice boomed. The figure stopped petting the creature and snapped his fingers. A tube light flickered on, temporarily blinding the demigods. Eventually, Percy opened his eyes to find the bald security guard he was looking for, ruffling the fur of a fluffy white cat.

"I have always wanted to say that," the guard said, getting up. "Pretty cool, huh? Guess you passed the test, kid."

"Test?" Percy asked, and looked around. "Wait, what kid?"

"You, kid," the guard nodded at Percy. "Ah, Zeus asked me to set up this whole test for you to make sure you're reading the books properly. He expects you to be reading _Order of the Phoenix_ now. That's what you're at?"

Percy nodded. He wasn't sure what to say.

"Well, kid, it's all good. Don't you worry your head too much about it. All's well that ends well, right?"

Once again, Percy could only nod dumbly.

"Pretty cool set up, though, right? Took me ages to get those brains to float. And since you blew up the place, I gotta give those zombies a pay raise." He sighed. "There goes my book-store money. Anyway, guys, this is my cat, Benedict Cumberbatch. Isn't he a superstar? Yes you are!" He nuzzled the uninterested feline. "Yes, you _are_ a superstar, aren't you? You know you – naaawwwwwwwwwwwwww ughuuuu poochie woochie . . ."

Nyssa coughed.

The bald security guard jumped. "Ah, yes, sorry you had to see that. Say, kid," he nodded towards Percy, "Once you're done with that series, you reckon you could read a bit more?"

"As in . . . other books? Yeah, sure."

"Awesome, 'cause I got a whole list prepared just for you." He rummaged through his pocket and handed Percy a folded piece of paper. "I had anticipated you might want this."

Percy accepted the piece of paper. He thanked the security guard and hurried his friends out of the room.

"So . . ." Grover said, "That whole army thing was a complete waste of time, then?"

"Pretty much," Percy agreed.

Thunder boomed.

"Okay, okay! Not a waste of time."


	12. An update about not updating

**I think a hiatus note is in order.**

So I'm currently in my last year of school at the moment. I graduate in a week and have one month and a bit left until my last exam, so I'm just incredibly BUSY at the moment.

Which is a shame because Mark of Athena.

Also, I'm suffering from SEVERE writer's block. I've started the next chapter, and I know what it's going to be about and what's going to happen ... I just can't seem to put anything down on paper.

Anyway, my point is that I'm just incredibly busy and this is just not a good time for me, so I'm going to put this story on semi-hiatus. As much as I hate to, I think this is the only thing that works right now.

You people need to know I'm alive and definitely working on this fic and not drowning in a ditch somewhere.

Ninja out. Peace.


End file.
